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2,733 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Chili Cook - Off
"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in... I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting red-faced from all of the beer.

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. Woman is starting to look HOT ... Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 -- No report.


8,549 Posts
Yep I can see that happening.
I was at work and at lunch break I saw a guy eating peppers like they were licorice sticks. Chew them up good. he said he grew them in his garden. I asked if they were hot and he said nah. He gave me a little one and I took a tiny bite off end of the pepper. I was just about to say they weren't hot when my ears lit up and my eyes filled with running tears. I have no idea how he was chewing them up like nothing.
I watched another guy eating hot peppers and the sweat was pouring off his face and chest but he kept eating them. No way was I going to try those. Especially after seeing a guy take a bite and he jumped up from table running for the water fountain. His eyes and face watering and his ears turning red. No doubt next day he was yelling come on ice cream.
Guy at work was from AZ and he told of some white dude, ******, went into a Mexican restaurant. He ordered something spicy and when it came he also grabbed the bottle of hot sauce. A guy told him only use one drop because the stuff was extremely hot. The guy said he can take heat and likes it hot. So he shook about a dozen drops on his food. He took one bite and like to died. The waitress came and took his plate of ruined hot food while she said DUMB ******.
VT you can have them hot peppers and being a judge at a chili cook off.

12,933 Posts
I am sure I woulda passed out and then sharted my britches completely off.

and I love good chili.

That is hilarious...:D


2,139 Posts
I don't eat a thing that is spicy and here in Az everything you try to buy is as hot as the temperature and sometimes hotter. When I was young I would go out and drink and raise hell all night long, come home and eat a can of Hormel's chili out of the can without warming it up. Today, I don't go out the door without taking a bottle of tums. Bob, you have to have a cast iron stomach to be a chili eating judge! And after going to the bathroom, you might want to take a water pick to wipe your rear. It helps put out the fire!!!!!!!!!!

475 Posts
I would love to be a chili hot food, gets those endorphins going........................ever see a Mexican with a cold? Had some ghost pepper dip a while back...........first nibble was a surprise. I only put the tip of the chip in the sauce, and it was the hottest thing I have ever eaten.........................5 minutes later, I was back for more. There's just something about hot food, once you get past the heat, the flavor is very good. It depends on the pepper being used. Some just fry your mouth, while others build up, like an internal furnace................................
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