Joke Thread...

8801 Views 84 Replies 18 Participants Last post by jeeper1, Sep 16, 2015

SHOOTER13

Discussion Starter · Jan 9, 2013

The Little Red Hen ** 2013 Version **

"Who will help me plant my wheat?" asked the little red hen.

"Not I," said the cow.

"Not I," said the duck.

"Not I," said the pig

"Not I," said the goose

"Then I will do it by myself." She planted her crop and the wheat grew and
ripened.

"Who will help me reap my wheat?" asked the little red hen.

"Not I," said the duck

"Out of my classification," said the pig

"I'd lose my seniority," said the cow

"I'd lose my unemployment compensation," said the goose.

"Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen, and so she did.

"Who will help me bake the bread?" asked the little red hen.

"That would be overtime for me," said the cow.

"I'd lose my welfare benefits," said the duck.

"I'm a dropout and never learned how," said the pig.

"If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination," said the goose.

"Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen.

She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her neighbors to see.

They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share but the little red hen said,

"No, I shall eat all five loaves."

"Excess profits!" cried the cow. (Nancy Pelosi)

"Capitalist leech!" screamed the duck. (Barbara Boxer)

"I demand equal rights!" yelled the goose. (Jesse Jackson)

The pig just grunted in disdain. (Harry Reid)

And they all painted 'Unfair!' picket signs and marched around and around the
little red hen, shouting obscenities.

Then the farmer (Obama) came. Hesaid to the little red hen, "You must not be so greedy."

"But I earned the bread," said the little red hen.

"Exactly," said Barack the farmer. "That is what makes our free enterprise
system so wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants.

But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide the fruits of their labor with those who are lazy and idle."

And they all lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who
smiled and clucked, "I am grateful, for now I truly understand."

But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her. She never again baked
bread because she joined the 'party' and got her bread free. And all the Democrats smiled. 'Fairness' had been established.

Individual initiative had died but nobody noticed; perhaps no one cared, so long as there was free bread that 'the middle class' was paying for!!

EPILOGUE

Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs.

Hillary got $8 million for hers.

That's $20 million for the memories from two people, who for eight years repeatedly testified, under oath, that they couldn't remember anything.

IS THIS A GREAT BARN YARD OR WHAT !!??

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21 - 40 of 85 Posts

SHOOTER13

Discussion Starter · #21 · Jan 24, 2013

Three men walk into a bar... the forth one ducks

SHOOTER13

Discussion Starter · #22 · Jan 24, 2013

"Don't drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill your drink."

opaww

· #23 · Jan 24, 2013

UN survey

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:-

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions
to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant

8. In Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

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Big_John

· #24 · Jan 26, 2013

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get six."
A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy six cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."

Big_John

· #25 · Jan 26, 2013

Olof Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota, took a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the Doctor.
He said: "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my Honeymoon next veek and my fiance, Lena , is still a Virgin - in every vay." The Doctor told him: "Olof, I'll have to put your Willy in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it on dere as long as you can." He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four sided splint and taped it all together...quite an impressive work of art.
Olof mentioned none of this to Lena, married her and they went on their honeymoon to Duluth . That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said: "Olof...you' re the first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez." Olof immediately dropped his pants and replied: "Look at dis Lena ....still in DA CRATE!"

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Big_John

· #26 · Jan 26, 2013

We started going to a new church a few weeks ago. last Sunday after services, they had a covered dish supper in the basement. after eating, they played Trivial Pursuit. one question was "Where do women have the most curly hair?"

I said "I've got this one!"

Sure surprised me to learn it was Peru......

SHOOTER13

Discussion Starter · #27 · Jan 28, 2013

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember…

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure..'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast ?'

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SHOOTER13

Discussion Starter · #28 · Feb 4, 2013

Safe Driver Award

A guy was driving perfectly down the road, when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer...

"Is there a problem, Officer?"

"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"

The driver thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go actually get my drivers' license."

The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smart ass when he's drunk and stoned."

The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

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jrc

· #29 · Feb 5, 2013

This is mythical and deep... truly beautiful...

A young boy asked an American Indian "What is your wife's name?"

He replied, "She called Five Horses".

The boy said, "That's an unusual name. What does it mean?"

The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It mean .. . .

. . . NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"

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jrc

· #30 · Feb 5, 2013

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an
Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State
Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your
wife," said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news,
some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear
first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news
first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we
found
your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."
"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's
the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up she had twelve 25-lb
king crabs and six good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the
great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow!"

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SHOOTER13

Discussion Starter · #31 · Feb 5, 2013

^^ Now that's funny !! ^^

jrc

· #32 · Feb 6, 2013

One fall day Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. "My wife," the man replied. "I'm sorry," said Dave. "What happened to her?" "My dog bit her and she died." Dave then asked who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well." "Can I borrow your dog?" "Get in line." replied the man.

SHOOTER13

Discussion Starter · #33 · Feb 6, 2013

Equipped...

This is a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove, who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how.. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radiocast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, the interview was over.

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LT2108

· #34 · Feb 8, 2013

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes down stairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?"
he asks solemnly. The wife is touched thinking her
husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my
daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".

"I remember that too", she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"

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cpericak

· #35 · Feb 8, 2013

BLIND MAN IN A FEMALE BIKER BAR

A blind man wanders into a Female Biker Bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's only fair, given that you' re blind,
That you should know five things:

1) The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2) The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3) I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4) The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5) The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters....
'No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

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SHOOTER13

Discussion Starter · #36 · Feb 10, 2013

A pirate walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks down and says "You know that you have a steering wheel in your pants"

The pirate replies "Aye, it's drivin' me nuts"

SHOOTER13

Discussion Starter · #37 · Feb 10, 2013

An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness.

The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye, and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month to live."

O'Malley was shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character. He managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There, he saw his son who had been waiting.

O'Malley said, "Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer, and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."

After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.

O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad. I though you said that you were dying from cancer??? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"

O'Malley said, "I am dying of cancer, son. I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."

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SHOOTER13

Discussion Starter · #38 · Feb 10, 2013

A gorilla walks into a bar, pulls up a stool, and orders a beer. The bartender pours him a tall, frothy mug and says "That'll be five bucks."

As the gorilla is paying for his beer, the bartender adds "You know... we don't get many gorillas in here."

To which the gorilla replies, "At five bucks a beer, it's no wonder..."

SHOOTER13

Discussion Starter · #39 · Feb 10, 2013

Last Saturday President Obama got off the helicopter in front of The White House... carrying a baby piglet under each arm. The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted and said: "Nice pigs, sir."

The President replied: "These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, salutes and said, "Excellent trade, sir."

SHOOTER13

Discussion Starter · #40 · Feb 10, 2013

So, this guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender to line up 10 glasses and start filling them up with beer.

So the bartender starts filling the glasses up with beer, and the man is right behind him drinking them straight down.

The bartender says..." hey buddy, whats your hurry ?"

The man says..." if you had what I have you would do the same thing."

The bartender backs up and says "what do you have?"

The man says... "about 75 cents !!"

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