Colonoscopy

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by threetango, Jul 28, 2015.

  1. threetango

    threetango Special Dance Instructor

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    Anyone who has had one will surely appreciate this. :D

    A bit long but well worth the read.

    Colonoscopy Journal:


    I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment
    for a colonoscopy.


    A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a
    lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly
    through Minneapolis.


    Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring
    and patient manner.


    I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain
    was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'


    I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product
    called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I
    will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never
    allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.


    I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.


    Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance
    with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth,
    which is basically water, only with less flavor.


    Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together
    in a one-litre plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar
    with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole
    jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind -
    like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.


    The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of
    humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'


    This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience
    contact with the ground.


    MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you
    ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with
    you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt.
    You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently.
    You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you
    have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your
    bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten
    yet.


    After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.


    The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was
    I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts
    of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?’ How do you apologize
    to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.


    At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally
    agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of
    other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off
    my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts,
    the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you
    are actually naked.


    Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I
    would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie
    also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.


    At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would
    happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering
    around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.


    When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy
    was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube,
    but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this
    point.


    Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking
    something up to the needle in my hand.


    There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen'
    by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this
    particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.


    'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me...


    'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a
    decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit
    detail, exactly what it was like.


    I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen,
    feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room,
    waking up in a very mellow mood.


    Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more
    excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying
    colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.



    On the subject of Colonoscopies...

    Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous.
    A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients
    (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:


    1. Take it easy Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before.


    2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'


    3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'


    4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'


    5 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'


    6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'


    7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'


    8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'


    9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'


    10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'


    11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'


    12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay'


    And the best one of all:

    13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?' __________________
     
  2. phideaux

    phideaux Well-Known Member Lifetime Supporter

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    Good grief , I been there a few times,

    Wonder what I have said during the procedure.......nah, never mind.



    That's really real.



    Jim
     

  3. buster40c

    buster40c Well-Known Member

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    Anything down there/up there is just not pleasant. I liked the humor in this story.
     
  4. DoubleR

    DoubleR Active Member

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    Ok I know I shouldn't be laughing but I can't help it!!!!
     
  5. Tommycourt

    Tommycourt Tommycourt

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    Double R,
    That ain't funny!!!!!!! I have to have one done on the 27th of August and I am dreading it. Since I haven't had one in 17 yrs. and complained to my doctor he said I should have one. I said what fatigue have to do with being violated? He said it needs to be done and I have to have my thyroid gland checked also. I am wondering if they will send in an X-ray-ologist first and have my Ak 47, bazooka and 10K rounds of .45 removed first before they violate me. Last time there was a big guy named Bubba who helped me ( I thought) When I got done, I knew, I really knew I had been violated. There stood Bubba with a smile on his face and he said: Now that wasn't so bad was it? I said: Bubba, when I get back on my feet, you are going to hate what revenge I am gonna take on you. Whatever you do, don't turn your back and if you do, it might be better cuz you won't see it coming. BTW- at that time they didn't give you anything to make you groggy or put you out. They used a garden hose first and then they brought in the fire hose. I couldn't hear Bubba but I heard a lot of heaving breathing and it wasn't me! It took me 3 days to get on my feet and I still have PTSD over that incident and they want me to do it again??????
    Tommy
     
    Last edited: Jul 29, 2015
  6. DoubleR

    DoubleR Active Member

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    Oh my poor Tommy!
    I'm so sorry your having to go threw this again! Maybe this time it will be a more pleasant experience?
    The first one sounds horrible!
    It's not the procedure I can't stop laughing at. It's the WAY it's described
     
  7. Sorcerer

    Sorcerer Sorcerer

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    Tommycourt That is so funny , sad but funny .
     
  8. threetango

    threetango Special Dance Instructor

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    T, tell the doc to give you Propofol for anesthesia.
    I was told to count from 100 backwards and the last I remembered was 98.
    When I woke up I felt great.
    By the way they removed 5 polyps which were benign.
    Get it done!