A Couple of jokes

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by jeeper1, Aug 4, 2015.

  1. jeeper1

    jeeper1 New Member

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    Car wash

    Whilst sat in the drive through car wash this morning, I witnessed a pretty horrific situation. A young lad was filling up, and he managed to spill gas all over the forecourt, and all up his arm.
    I watched him go in and pay, come out and get back into his car. As he pulled away I realised he was about to light a cigarette. There was nothing I could do, being stuck half way through the wash cycle.
    He lit his lighter, and 'WOOSH..!', his arm went up in flames. He then did the maddest of things, in a panic, I suppose. He stuck his arm out the window and started waving it about, only fanning the flames even more.
    Then I realized a police car had seen what was going on, and two cops leapt out and dragged the poor lad out his car. They frantically beat the flames, and managed to extinguish the inferno.
    By now, my car wash had finished, and I started to drive out. As I passed the lad on the ground, one of the coppers was actually putting cuffs on the lad.
    I couldn't believe what I was witnessing. I wound my window down and said to the other copper, 'What you arresting him for..?'
    'Illegal possession of a Firearm...!!!' Came the reply.
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    A woman goes to the doctor

    A woman goes to the doctor, worried about her husband's temper.
    The Doctor asks:"What's the problem?

    The woman says:"Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my
    husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me!

    "The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems your
    husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start
    swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow
    it until he either leaves the room or calms down.

    Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh
    and reborn. The woman says:"Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every
    time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished
    and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?

    "The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing.,
    it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick".