Joke Thread...

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by SHOOTER13, Jan 8, 2013.

  1. SHOOTER13

    SHOOTER13 RETIRED MODERATOR Lifetime Supporter

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    The Little Red Hen ** 2013 Version **

    "Who will help me plant my wheat?" asked the little red hen.

    "Not I," said the cow.

    "Not I," said the duck.

    "Not I," said the pig

    "Not I," said the goose

    "Then I will do it by myself." She planted her crop and the wheat grew and
    ripened.

    "Who will help me reap my wheat?" asked the little red hen.

    "Not I," said the duck

    "Out of my classification," said the pig

    "I'd lose my seniority," said the cow

    "I'd lose my unemployment compensation," said the goose.

    "Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen, and so she did.

    "Who will help me bake the bread?" asked the little red hen.

    "That would be overtime for me," said the cow.

    "I'd lose my welfare benefits," said the duck.

    "I'm a dropout and never learned how," said the pig.

    "If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination," said the goose.


    "Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen.

    She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her neighbors to see.

    They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share but the little red hen said,

    "No, I shall eat all five loaves."

    "Excess profits!" cried the cow. (Nancy Pelosi)

    "Capitalist leech!" screamed the duck. (Barbara Boxer)

    "I demand equal rights!" yelled the goose. (Jesse Jackson)

    The pig just grunted in disdain. (Harry Reid)

    And they all painted 'Unfair!' picket signs and marched around and around the
    little red hen, shouting obscenities.

    Then the farmer (Obama) came. Hesaid to the little red hen, "You must not be so greedy."

    "But I earned the bread," said the little red hen.

    "Exactly," said Barack the farmer. "That is what makes our free enterprise
    system so wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants.

    But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide the fruits of their labor with those who are lazy and idle."

    And they all lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who
    smiled and clucked, "I am grateful, for now I truly understand."

    But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her. She never again baked
    bread because she joined the 'party' and got her bread free. And all the Democrats smiled. 'Fairness' had been established.

    Individual initiative had died but nobody noticed; perhaps no one cared, so long as there was free bread that 'the middle class' was paying for!!

    EPILOGUE

    Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs.

    Hillary got $8 million for hers.

    That's $20 million for the memories from two people, who for eight years repeatedly testified, under oath, that they couldn't remember anything.

    IS THIS A GREAT BARN YARD OR WHAT !!?? :rolleyes:
     
  2. SHOOTER13

    SHOOTER13 RETIRED MODERATOR Lifetime Supporter

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    Coming home...

    A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.

    While en-route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.

    The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act.

    For $100, the cabby agrees. Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip-toe into the bedroom.

    The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back, and there is his wife in bed with another man!

    The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouts, "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.


    HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.

    HE paid for our new Cabin Cruiser.

    HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets.

    HE paid for our house at the lake.

    HE paid for our country club membership, and...

    HE even pays the monthly dues!"


    Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.

    He looks over at the cabby and says "What would you do?"

    The cabby replies, "I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold !!"
     

  3. SHOOTER13

    SHOOTER13 RETIRED MODERATOR Lifetime Supporter

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    Taxi !!

    As you well know, most, if not all, of us have been lucky not to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the various social sessions over the years.

    A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and then topped it off with a margarita.

    Not a good idea !! Knowing full well I was at least slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a taxi home.

    Sure enough I passed a police road block and RBT but because it was a taxi, they waved it past.

    I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise.

    I have never driven a taxi before and am not sure where I got it !! :D
     
  4. SHOOTER13

    SHOOTER13 RETIRED MODERATOR Lifetime Supporter

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    How to start a fight...

    HOW TO START A FIGHT


    One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

    The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

    When she asked me why, I replied,

    "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

    And that's how the fight started.....

    ________________________________


    My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while

    we were in bed.

    I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

    'No,' she answered. I then said,

    'Is that your final answer?'

    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

    So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

    And that's when the fight started...

    ________________________________

    I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

    "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

    He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

    "Nah, she can order for herself."

    And that's when the fight started.....

    _______________________________


    My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school

    reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his

    drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

    I asked her, "Do you know him?"


    "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
    right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

    "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

    And then the fight started...

    ________________________________


    When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting

    to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had

    something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,

    making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she

    thought of a clever way to make her point.


    When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall

    grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing

    scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into

    the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again

    I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the

    grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."


    The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

    ______________________________


    My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

    She asked, "What's on TV?"

    I said, "Dust."

    And then the fight started...

    ________________________________



    Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my

    lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the

    boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential

    downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the

    garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather

    would be bad all day.


    I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back

    into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different

    anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

    My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my

    stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

    And that's how the fight started...


    _______________________________



    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

    She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

    I bought her a bathroom scale.

    And then the fight started.......


    ______________________________


    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

    The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.

    I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at

    home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have

    to go home and come back later.

    The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

    So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

    She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for

    me' and she processed my Social Security application.

    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at

    the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped

    your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

    And then the fight started...


    ________________________________


    My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

    She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,


    "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you

    to pay me a compliment.'


    I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

    And then the fight started........


    ________________________________


    I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

    The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

    He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

    So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

    And then the fight started........ !! :D
     
  5. SHOOTER13

    SHOOTER13 RETIRED MODERATOR Lifetime Supporter

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    Little Timmy's Letter to Santa...

    Dear Santa,


    How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 5 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.

    Merry Christmas,

    Timmy Jones


    --------------------------------

    Dear Timmy,

    Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with.

    Merry Christmas,

    Santa Claus

    --------------------------------

    Mr. Claus,


    Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. nice" contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?

    Respectfully,

    Tim Jones

    --------------------------------

    Mr. Jones,

    While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.


    Very Truly Yours,

    S Claus

    --------------------------------

    Now look here Fat Man,

    I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!

    T-Bone

    --------------------------------

    Listen Pizza Face,


    Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny g-banger wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal? I got your **** wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people and if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Snowflake.


    S Clizzy

    --------------------------------

    Dear Santa,

    Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.

    Timmy

    --------------------------------

    Timmy,

    That's what I thought you little bastard.

    Santa



    :D
     
  6. SHOOTER13

    SHOOTER13 RETIRED MODERATOR Lifetime Supporter

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    Presidential one liner...

    When Hillary was released from the hospital for her concussion, a reporter asks Bill Clinton...

    "How's your wife’s "head"?

    Bill replied, "well, she's no Monica..."

    :D
     
  7. SHOOTER13

    SHOOTER13 RETIRED MODERATOR Lifetime Supporter

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    Redneck Medical Dictionary...

    REDNECK Medical Dictionary



    Artery ………….. The study of paintings

    Bacteria ............ ..Back door to cafeteria

    Barium ............ ....What doctors do when patients die

    Benign ............ ... What you be, after you be eight

    Caesarean Section ....... A neighborhood in Rome

    Cat-scan ............ .. Searching for Kitty

    Cauterize ............ Made eye contact with her

    Colic ............ ....... A sheep dog

    Coma ............ ..... A punctuation mark

    Dilate ............ ..... To live long

    Enema ............ ... Not a friend

    Fester ............ .... Quicker than someone else

    Fibula ............ .... A small lie

    Impotent ............ Distinguished, well known

    Labor Pain ....... Getting hurt at work

    Medical Staff ...... A Doctor's cane

    Morbid ............ ... A higher offer

    Nitrates ............ .. Cheaper than day rates

    Node ............ ...... I knew it

    Outpatient .......... A person who has fainted

    Pelvis ............ ..... Cousin to Elvis

    Post Operative... .. A letter carrier

    Recovery Room... Place to do upholstery

    Rectum ............ ... Nearly killed him

    Secretion ............ Hiding something

    Seizure ............ ... Roman emperor

    Tablet ............ ..... A small table

    Terminal Illness..... Getting sick at the airport

    Tumor ............ .. One plus one more.

    Urine ............ ...... Opposite of you're out.
     
  8. SHOOTER13

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    You have to be a Hard Man to tell these jokes and live...



    How do you turn a fox into an elephant ?

    Marry It!

    =============================

    What's the difference between a woman and a battery ?

    A battery has a positive side.

    =============================

    What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes ?

    Nothing, she's been told twice already.

    =============================

    If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong ?

    Made her chain too long.

    ==============================

    Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman ?


    Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine
    will probably never be able to support you.


    ==============================


    Why do women have smaller feet than men ?


    It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

    ===============================


    Why do men pass gas more than women ?


    Because women can't shut up long enough to build up
    the required pressure.

    =================================


    If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?


    The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.


    =====================================

    Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a
    woman's sex drive by 90%.



    It's called a Wedding Cake.

    ====================================


    Why do men die before their wives ?


    Because they want to !!

    ===================================
     
    Last edited: Jan 11, 2013
  9. GAgal

    GAgal New Member Lifetime Supporter

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    These are just SO wrong. :rolleyes: :p
     
  10. SHOOTER13

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  11. havasu

    havasu In the army now..

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    There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband.

    For example...

    A wife came home late at night and quietly opened the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she saw four legs instead of two. She reached for a baseball bat and pounded at the blanket as hard as she could. Afterwards, she went to the kitchen to have a drink.

    As she entered, she saw her husband there, reading a magazine.
    "Hi Darling", he said, "Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom... Did you get a chance to say 'hello' yet?"
     
  12. SHOOTER13

    SHOOTER13 RETIRED MODERATOR Lifetime Supporter

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    A dude with dyslexia walks into a bra....
     
  13. SHOOTER13

    SHOOTER13 RETIRED MODERATOR Lifetime Supporter

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    A termite walks into a bar and asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
     
  14. SHOOTER13

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    What’s the difference between and Irish wedding and an Irish wake?

    One less drunk!
     
  15. SHOOTER13

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    A goldfish flops into a pub and looks at the barkeep.

    The bartender asks, “What can I get you?”

    The goldfish says, “Water.”
     
  16. SHOOTER13

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    An arctic seal walks into a bar.

    “What can I get you?” asks the bartender.

    “Anything but a Canadian Club” said the seal.
     
  17. SHOOTER13

    SHOOTER13 RETIRED MODERATOR Lifetime Supporter

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    An Irishman, a Italian and a priest walk into a bar.

    The bartender says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”
     
  18. SHOOTER13

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    A grasshopper walks into a bar.

    The bartender says, “We’ve got a drink named after you.”

    The grasshopper says, “You’ve got a drink named Kevin?”
     
  19. SHOOTER13

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    An amnesiac walks into a tavern and asks the bartender, “Do I come here often?”
     
  20. SHOOTER13

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    A pizza walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food in here.”